Needs are a central part of our existence as humans.

From the moment we are born, we have basic survival needs which are typically met by our parents or primary caregivers.

As we grow and mature our needs evolve and become more complex.

So much so that our parents or primary caregivers alone are no longer able to meet them – even though in many cases they would love to!

As we start to socialise, things become even more complicated because we begin to seek belonging and chase status.

Everyone wants to be popular, and to be accepted by their peers.

As a matter of fact, if we are to look through an evolutionary lens, we might conclude that we are hard-wired to seek acceptance and belonging as this plays an integral role in shaping our personal identity , and being a part of a tribe would historically have increased our chances of survival.

This speaks to why we tend to conform with the behaviour of our peers- to gain acceptance, status and to form an identity.

So in this sense, it’s totally natural to conform.

That being said, there is a problem with conformity.

The problem is, in trying to conform with the behaviour of others, in trying to gain access to a group, it is often the case that we ignore or suppress certain elements of our own personality.

In that same token we are essentially suppressing some of our own needs.

Again, this is a natural phenomenon.

That being said, as we transition from our teenage years into adulthood it’s incredibly important that we begin to pay more attention to those needs we suppressed in our younger years.

This is a critical element of our development – and if we are to achieve any meaningful success in our romantic relationships we just cannot afford to ignore this.

For the purpose of this conversation I would like to take an expansive view on the concept of ‘needs’.

Needs encompass our basic requirements for our emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing and as such it’s important that we’re dialled into those different areas.

But what does it mean to be dialled into those areas ?

To put it simply , at its most basic level we should be able to answer this fundamental question “In order to feel fulfilled in this area , what needs to be in place?”i.e what needs to be in place in order for me to feel emotionally/physically/spiritually fulfilled?

It’s important to note that there are two dimensions to this fundamental question –

How so?

Well, we need to know how we can fulfil these needs individually(for ourselves) and then in the romantic context, we need to know what we require from our partner in order to be fulfilled in these areas.

Understanding what we require from ourselves is a precursor to understanding what we require from our partner.

Think about it – If I am unsure of what I require from myself and how I can personally fulfil my needs, how on earth am I meant to understand what I require from a partner.

It’s also worth mentioning that understanding what we require is only half the battle – having the confidence to voice this to the other person is the final piece of the puzzle.

Understanding the two dimensions of our needs will lead us to developing a healthy RWS ( Relationship with self).

Here are some questions we can ask to help us in building a healthy RWS across the two dimensions of our needs

What are some of my fears?

What activities or situations make me feel happy?

What activities or situations leave me feeling unhappy disillusioned

I feel loved by my partner when they ……….?

I feel unloved by my partner when they…….?

I feel physically desired by my partner when…….?

Until next time.

Blessings and love,

H.